The Longest Three Days Ever

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Our First Kiss

Many moons ago when I thought I wanted four children, I always imagined giving birth.  I imagined what that moment would be like to hold him or her for the first time.  I wondered if my baby would be pleased to look back at me and if he or she could feel my joy.

I wanted children, but as beautiful and majestic as it is, I was scared to death of the whole birthing process.

For the brief time I cradled Demi in my womb, I tried bracing myself constantly for the inevitable. You know those pregnancy hormones will have you going crazy, right? So the thought of the expected pain, being terrified of the epidural needle and overwhelming feeling of just not know how it would all turn out made me nervous.

Every night I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and that I would survive it, we all know how that turned out. Thank you Jesus! Needless to say, I was scared y’all! And then I remembered that God never puts more on you than you can bare.

And so the day came when I was forced to give birth to Demi 3 full months before her due date. I say forced, because it was literally a life or death situation.  It was worse than my worst nightmare. Not at all how I imagined and definitely not how we planned.

I remember laying on the operating table while Ignacio was holding my hand and trying to keep me calm. Even though my doctor had already prayed with me, I had to say another just to make sure He heard it.  I was taking no chances.

It didn’t take long for the drugs to kick in. Before I knew it, Ignacio was gasping as he told me our beautiful precious little angel was here.  He made sure to tell me that she had all 5 fingers and toes. Don’t laugh… I didn’t know what to expect having our baby so early.

I smiled big and cried thanking God for his grace and mercy.  I’m telling you it was nobody but God! Demi was born 1 pound, 14 ounces. Do you have any idea how small that is?  She was no bigger than my hand, but every part of her body was perfect…tiny, but perfect AND she was breathing on her own!

Nobody, but GOD!

I waited for the doctors to let me hold her like they do in the movies.  I imagined tears rolling, my hair all sweaty-like and Ignacio kissing my sweaty forehead – just happy, but it wasn’t that way all.

The doctors rushed as they attached tubes to her frail tiny body.  Instead of being placed in my arms, they laid my precious angel in a plastic bag and removed her from the room.  Happy, confused, upset, panicking, I wanted my little angel. I wanted my baby girl.

The next thing I know; I’m waking up from some drug induced coma in our hospital room.  The first thing I ask for is Demi.  Ignacio assured me that she was fine and that she’s in an incubator.  I cried.

All I could think is that I’m already a bad mother. I did something wrong for my body to reject my baby causing all of this to happen.

I’m pretty sure it was like the millionth time that Ignacio and my mom told me that it wasn’t my fault.  In fact, my doctors and nurses all echoed the same, but the helpless feeling I had was just too much.

Because Demi’s new home outside the womb was the NICU, we had to walk there to see her. Let me tell you… when we arrived to her room in the NICU, I paused outside the door for a moment to gather my emotions.  You see, it was my first time seeing my baby girl.

I was already warned not to do too much and to try to stay in the wheelchair, but how could I do that? Before taking that first look at my daughter, I looked around the room.  All these machines, tubes and lights and buttons and knobs, and it was crushing. To realize that this is how my daughter, our precious baby girl would have to remain for at least 3 months upset me.

The nurse told me it was alright and to come closer so I could see our baby girl. I did. As soon as I laid eyes on hers, she looked at me and I felt a connection like I’ve never dreamed. Tears were just rolling like a river. I couldn’t help it. She was so dag on beautiful and tiny and perfect!

I thanked God over and over.  Even though I knew I would not be able to hold her for a while, seeing her and knowing how well she was already doing was enough for me.

A FEW DAYS LATER…

Ignacio and I walked down to the NICU to see Demi as we did every day. I was getting much better at walking and so I left the wheelchair. After we nearly scrubbed the top layer of skin off our hands we rushed over to Demi and read her chart to see if she had gained any weight. Still tiny.

While we were talking to Demi through the incubator, her day nurse walked in and asked if I wanted to do Skin-to-Skin. I already knew what that meant from the months of reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I lit up like a tree!

Holding Demi Jade for the first time… Jan. 21, 2016

CLICK HERE TO WATCH VIDEO OF THIS BEAUTIFUL MOMENT…

The nurse stationed the lounging “mommy” chair close to the incubator so that her cords would pull.  I had to remove my shirt so that my chest was clear from clothing and put on a hospital gown.  I think my heart was beating fast.  It seemed like the nurse was taking forever to get Demi out and in my arms.At last, the nurse placed Demi on my chest.  I bet you know what I did.  Yep… I cried. And then the most beautiful thing happened. Demi stretched her long skinny arms around my neck. In my heart I felt was she was saying to me. She was telling me that everything is alright and that she knows who I am and loves me.

I was so still and amazed by her.  I didn’t want to hurt her.

I told Ignacio that I’d give anything to kiss her. So he moved closer to me and wiped my tears away. Demi looked up at me and gave me to sweetest smile.  I could not hold back any longer… I kissed Demi.

A precious moment I will never forget.  To all you mom’s out there who had great natural births and were able to hold and kiss your baby only moments later, please don’t take it for granted. I had to wait nearly a week and it alone about drove me to postpartum depression.

To Demi… “for all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you…”

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MAMALOGUE is LSherie’s true stories of mommy life with a preemie.

Follow Demi Jade on Instagram and SnapChat @iamdemijade

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