Yes! You’re Pregnant!

 

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I’m having a baby…

Being the “goody-two-shoes” all my life, finding out I was pregnant days after my 33rd birthday was the hardest pill I had no choice, but to swallow.  Hearing the words, “so yes, you’re pregnant,” ringing like an alarm from my doctor just twisted the knife in my gut a little deeper.  There was no point in crying, but whatever, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and that was the only emotion I had to express the disappointment in myself.

It wasn’t the guaranteed weight gain, the preggo jokes, or even our finances that sent me spinning in fear.  I wondered how Ignacio would take the news, but he was wayyy more accepting than I was.  Believe it or not, I was afraid of how my family and people who respected me would look at me…look at us.  Why?

If you didn’t know, Ignacio and I aren’t married.  We may seem as though we are, but no we haven’t exchanged vows… yet. So this was a problem for me.  Here I am 33 years old and pregnant.  Doesn’t have the same dramatic effect as Sixteen and Pregnant.  We’re not teenagers, but I felt the coming criticism would still be the same.

He’s my perfect man, but we’re not married and we’re about to bring a baby into the mix.  This was not how I planned our life.  This is not the right order, but here we are.

I’ve always worked hard to be the best me…follow the rules and do whatever I could to make my parents proud, but delivering this news was going to be challenging.  So we waited a week for that hard pill to finally reach my stomach to share the news with our family and then about four months to share with the world.

During the time we announced the baby news to our family we asked everyone not to share with anyone.  I just wasn’t ready yet.  I was so wrapped up in what people were going to say and how they would view me and quite frankly, I didn’t want people damning me to Hell for having a baby out of wedlock.

So before you say it, no, this isn’t the “old days” and yes we’re adults, but I didn’t want that stigma placed on me.  The guilt got so bad that one day while combing my hair I glared at my figure in the mirror and started crying.  I called myself a statistic y’all! A STATISTIC!  I started telling myself that no one would take me seriously because we had been so careless.

 

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I was ripping myself to shreds, not realizing the psychological affect it was having on me and the possible stress it placed on our unborn baby.  I wasn’t sleeping and I didn’t eat nearly as much as I’m sure I should have.  The constant worrying could have played a major reason why I magically developed high blood pressure.

All I did was worry.  Worry about my job. Like, did I have enough sick leave and vacation for a maternity leave?  Was the “talk” around the water cooler going to be about me?  I worried about my business. I wondered if it would suffer.  I even worried about how people at church would think of me. I know… silly right?  I understand that now, but then was a different story.  Ignacio was way cooler than I, in fact he didn’t care what anyone had to say… and honestly dared anyone to say anything outside of congratulations.  I on the other hand, was depressed and ashamed.  

Like much of the stuff we waste time worrying about, those feelings passed.  I started getting excited about being a mom, planning my baby shower, arguing over names, buying furniture… you know, the stuff that mattered.

It took a few months, but after much prayer, asking God to forgive us and then realizing that our baby is truly a blessing, I begin preparing myself to be a mother.  You know what’s funny though?  When we announced to our friends and colleagues, they expressed their joy and immediately showered us with gifts.  It wasn’t at all like the horrible scenes I’d imaged running through my mind.  It was then that I understood that God won’t put more on you than you can bear.   In fact, He’ll place the right people in your life and weed those others out.  Everything just started falling in and out of place.

I grasped reality… I could see it clearer now.  We’re already blessed to have a great support system – people who love us who are willing to be that “village” to help us raise our sweet angel.

And so one day I met a woman who told me that she had had several miscarriages.  Her and her husband had decided to give up and just adopt.  She stood there telling me all this while smiling and proclaiming that God is yet good.  She told me she would pray that I have a beautiful and healthy pregnancy.  As I rubbed my ever growing belly, it took everything within me not to cry… until after she left.

My hormones kicked in and kicked me hard.  I was instantly ashamed of myself all over again because I let all these negative thoughts run around in my head as I carried a living, breathing, growing miracle while there are women all over the world praying…begging God for a child of their own.  How could I be so selfish and vain?

There were many talks with my mom and my aunt that echoed this confirmation. They reminded me that God makes no mistakes.  He moves in and on His own time.  Our baby is a blessing.  Our baby is a miracle.  It’s an honor that God chose me to be somebody’s momma and the only way to repay Him for His grace and mercy is to be the best unmarried momma I can be.

 

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If this is you… if you’re feeling depressed, ashamed or even second-guessing going through with your pregnancy, know that God never puts more on you than you can bear.  I doubted my ability to be a good mother simply because I’m not married.  That silliness couldn’t be further away from the truth and the same goes for you too.  Learn from my mistake.  Enjoy the gift of life growing inside you that only us women can experience. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Eat healthy and surround yourself with nothing but positivity.  And if you don’t have anyone to talk to… I’m here. It’s important that women not only support each other, but we make ourselves available to listen.

Be proud beautiful! You are experiencing and carrying a miracle. Don’t ever forget that.

Blessings.

 

 

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MAMALOGUE is LSherie’s true stories of mommy life with a preemie.

Follow Demi Jade on Instagram and SnapChat @iamdemijade

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