Motherhood: I’m Still New To This

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Just a couple of weeks ago a mother lost her son in the most brutal and heartless way – by the hands of someone else’s child.  He was only six years old. The pain… unbearable is all I can imagine.  There was so much blame tossed from one side to another.  So many critics… so many perfect parents… so many broken hearts.  The entire city… the nation mourned the life of that sweet little boy.  It was just… it is just too much to fathom.

 

I see that little boy’s smile in his bright blue graduation cap and gown and my thoughts race to my daughter.  I begin thinking back… back through her 15 ½ months of life and trying to find the holes in my perfect parenting.  I’m searching through my memory and I find so many.  There were so many times I didn’t do the right thing or made the wrong move.  So many times I turned my back for a split second and her screams sucked my breath away.  So many times I cried holding my baby girl because I felt like I wasn’t doing enough or I just wasn’t mothering right.

 

I thought about the two months she stayed in the NICU and because I’m selfish, I stayed with her all day even though I wasn’t feeling well and later that night… well 4:24 A.M. to be exact, I received a call from her nurse saying her numbers were dropping and they had to give her antibiotics.

 

I know they say don’t sleep in the bed with your baby, but I did.  One night, she was rolling around and fell.

 

One time she stopped breathing while I was driving.  Thankfully I was able to resuscitate her.

 

Do these things make me a bad mother?  Sometimes I wonder. The depression… the guilt I feel for thanking God that He spared the life of my baby girl while another mother has to live with the pain of losing her son forever…it’s just too heavy.

 

I remember hearing the Amber Alert… I was sleeping and I silenced my phone.  I remember hearing the news that they found him and I thanked God not knowing that he was found, but gone.   When I heard he was gone, I called my daughter’s father and told him to check on her.  I was crying uncontrollably because in that moment… even though I knew she was alright, I was afraid.  For a split second I felt the anguish of that mother.  I panicked. My mind wondered to all the horrible things that could happen to her while she played innocently with other children at her school.

 

Like the city, my heart was broken.  How could this happen?  Did we let this happen?  There had to be blame.  So society, sliced in two, chose their sides.  As so many beings without children voiced their opinions it became apparent to me how lost we all are.  No compassion, just anger and quick to judge.

 

I’m still very new to this.  I don’t claim to have it all figured out, but I do know that my baby girl is my world.  I may not be perfect, but I will do everything in my power to protect her, love her, guide her, nurture and pray for her.  I’m praying that I make the right decisions… that my moves are her building blocks.  With every breath I breathe I pray she knows this.

 

dem

 

 

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MAMALOGUE is LSherie’s true stories of mommy life with a preemie.

Follow Demi Jade on Instagram and SnapChat @iamdemijade

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